215 THE GRANDPARENTS
Conflit de générations
Hal cooks the boys hairy pancakes for breakfast.
Malcolm: Great pancakes, Dad.
Hal (shaving shoulders): Oh, thanks. Hey, who's ready for seconds?
Dewey: (pulls hair off pancake) I am.
Lois is at the table looking over the family's bills. Hal comes in.
Lois: So, which one of these pinks do you want to let float this month? Cable or Visa?
Hal: Oh, we can probably go without Cable. It might be fun, we can get together as
a family, play board games, sing songs.
Lois: Ok, you've made your point. We'll pay the Cable.
Hal: Oh, for crying out loud, the freezer's out again (takes something out)
Lois: What? We've just had that fixed!
Hal: Oh, stupid piece of junk (hits freezer)
Lois: Oh! (takes something out)
Hal: It's only five years old, how could it keep breaking down?
Cut to flashback clips: Boys playing Hockey in the kitchen; Malcolm hits ball into open
refrigerator and it smashes the light.
Reese swings on freezer door and the fridge falls down onto him
Dewey attaches something to the fridge with a hammer
Cut back to Hal and Lois cleaning out the freezer.
Hal: I'll go and get the ice - from the garage. Providing that still works.
Reese (enters kitchen with Malcolm) Nuh-uh!
Malcolm: Uh-huh!
Reese: We'll let Mom settle this! The loser licks the tub drain.
Malcolm: Deal! Mom, who's tongue's longer? (Both stick their
tongues out)
Lois: Oh. (knocking on window in background)
Grandpa Victor: Are you going to let us stand out here all day?
Lois: Mom! Dad!
Hal: (runs inside) Oh my god! Honey, your parents are here!
Lois: Dewey, your grandparents are here! (opens door) Hey!
Come on in.
Hal: Well, this is certainly unexpected. What brings you all
the way down from Canada?
Grandpa Victor (looks at Reese) : Wait a minute. This can't be Reese!
Reese: Yup.
Grandpa Victor: What's the matter with you? Did you clean behind your
ears? (pulls out a five dollar note from behind
Reese's ear and gives it to him) Look what I found!
Reese: Ha-ha! Five bucks? Thanks Grandpa! (shows it to
Malcolm)
Malcolm: So, Grandpa, did you have a nice drive down?
Grandpa Victor: Huh?
Malcolm: (Raises voice) I said, did you have a nice drive-
Grandpa Victor: Can't hear this one, he sounds like girl!
Lois: So, you just decided to hop in the car and drive on
down from Canada without calling ahead, huh? How fun!
Hal: Yeah! How long do you think you'll be staying?
Grandma Ida: If we're such big inconvenience, we'll go right now!
Hal and Lois: Oh no-no-no-no-no!
Hal: Please!
Lois: Don't be silly! (Sees Dewey) Oh, Dewey, you remember
your Grandparents, don't you, sweetie? (Dewey looks
scared)
Cut to flashback clip. Ida and Victor are standing over Dewey's crib. Dewey is crying.
Grandpa Victor: He needs changing.
Grandma Ida: He always needs changing. You change him.
Grandpa Victor: Let him sit, that will teach him. He smells.
Grandma Ida (kicks Dewey (off-screen) and Dewey cries) That's what
happens to little boys who squirm.
Cut back to Dewey, who runs off down the hall.
Cut to Marlin Academy, where Francis and the other cadets are watching a news bulletin about
the upcoming Mardi Gras.
Reporter: It's estimated that as many as thirty thousand people
have descended on New Orleans to join in the Annual
Mardi Gras festivities. At this hour, Police have been...
Eric: Look at those animals going berserk! Tearing each
other's clothes off! Those are people with no respect
for authority!
Francis: Eric's right, that could be us! If we left right now, we
could be in New Orleans in five hours!
Drew: How're we going to get there?
Stanley: And where are we gonna stay?
Francis: Gentlemen, you quibble with me about logistics when I
am offering you forty-eight hours of non-stop
debauchery? This could be the greatest weekend of our
lives!
Cut to hotel room where Francis is lying on his bed, sick.
Eric: Damn, Francis, you should have known better than to
eat Sushi from a truck stop!
Stanley: Hey, the cashier said the yellow-tail was fresh! Besides,
my octopus was excellent!
Francis: Can we not talk about the fish please?
Drew: Guys! It's like a war zone out there! There's looming,
riding, and now the cops are turning a fire hose on the
crowd!
All guys: Wet tee-shirts (all run outside leaving Francis alone)
Cut back to Wilkersons' house. The family are eating dinner. Grandma Ida is smoking.
Lois: Sorry about the take-out, I don't know what the deal
is with the fridge.
Grandpa Victor: What do you expect? That brand is the short cut!
Grandma Ida: (looks at Dewey who is eating a big slice of pizza) That's it. Fatten up on pizza.
Good luck running when they come with the dogs and
chase you into the hill!
Hal: I think it's great you're able to just hit the road,
without a care in the world, huh? Oh, right. (leans over
and raises voice) With me, I'm always thinking about
things back home. You know, did I leave the stove on, is
the iron plugged in? I once heard of a fire being caused
by a mouse chewing through an -
Grandpa Victor (cutting Hal off) Where's my coffee?
Lois: It's right here Dad. Just the way you like it. Mom, I really
wish you'd put out that cigarette, it's not good for the
kids.
Grandma Ida: What, do you think it will stop their growth? You turned
out big enough!
Grandpa Victor (watching Reese eat) Look at him eat! Like animal! Not like Mr Pizza, with
knife and fork!
Lois: Now, Dad, since the last time you were here, uh,
Malcolm has been put into a special class.
Grandpa Victor: I'm not surprised.
Lois: No-no-no-no-no, it's a, it's an advanced class, it's very
challenging work. Tell him, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Well, today we finished reading Grapes of Wrath, and
we're studying advanced Algebra.
Grandpa Victor: What is that? Shout at me! I don't study Algebra! That's
because I was at the war when I was your age! What
good is Math in war, huh? (He and Hal both reach for the
last piece of pizza) When you can provide for your family
you can have last piece of pizza! (takes a bite)
Lois: Dad, Hal provides for us just fine!
Hal: Which isn't easy when someone's hogging all the pizza!
Grandpa Victor: You can't even keep food in the house for my
grandchild! You call that providing?
Lois: We will get the refrigerator fixed!
Grandpa Victor: For what? So it can break again? What does a new one
cost? Seven, eight hundred dollars? I give you eight
hundred dollars to buy a new one!
Grandma Ida: Thank god our generation knew to save our money! To
hold on to it, not throw it away on things like toys and
dolls. I dressed a piece of wood, and I was happy!
Lois: We will not take your money!
Grandpa Victor: Of course you will! We love you too much to stand by
and watch your children grow up ashamed of you! This
is what family is for!
Cut to the Mardi Gras festivities in New Orleans.
Francis (on phone): Listen, I need to know what Mom used to put in the hot
tea when we were sick. Is she around?
Malcolm: I think she's changing the sheets on their bed. Grandma
and Grandpa are here.
Francis: Oh, you're kidding! Did they knock, or did you just get
their car clatter up the driveway?
Malcolm: I can't be sure, but I think Grandpa spit at me.
Francis: Look, don't take it personally. They're prime evil
creatures with little hearts.
Malcolm: Yeah, but there must be some reason -
Francis: Malcolm, they have stupid lizard brains. They're
threatened by anyone with an ounce of ambition or
intelligence. They'd eat you if they had better teeth.
Grandpa: This one always on phone.
Francis: That's Grandpa, isn't it? Tell him I said he's a malevolent
poisonous troll.
Malcolm (to Grandpa Victor) Francis says hi.
Grandpa: Oh good, the link one.
Malcolm: He says hi back.
Cut to the boys' bedroom where Hal and Lois are in the double bed, talking.
Lois: No. Absolutely not. I will not let you take their money.
Hal: Why not?
Lois: Because they'll never let you forget that they had to
give you eight hundred dollars. They'll use it to try to
humiliate you.
Hal: They do that now! Lois, come on, I know what your
folks think of me. We need the fridge! We can't store the
meat on the porch forever. We're big enough to take one
for the team. (Hal and Lois look at each other) What?
Lois: You're better than all of us. (kisses Hal)
Hal: Awww (they bump a toy and it makes a noise)
Lois: (turns away from Hal) we can't do this on Dewey's bed.
(puts her head up) Reese's looks ok. (they get up)
Cut to kitchen the next day where Dewey is getting a drink of juice with ice from the new fridge.
Dewey: Thank you.
Hal: (reading fridge manual): Oh. Do you know this thing
makes ice cubes in both circular and crescent shapes?
How do they expect people to decide?
Lois: Well it's nice to have something in the house that works!
Hal: Yeah. You know, maybe in their dark, twisted world, this
is how your parents show love. (Grandpa Victor enters)
Hey, Victor! Pretty cool, huh? With descending colours
and frame. What's great?
Lois: Uh, listen Dad, I just mailed off the mortgage and car
payments, and what with buying the new refrigerator and
all, we should probably get that cheque from you right
away.
Grandpa Victor: About that, your mother and I decided it's no good for
family to give money to family. Always ends badly.
PULP! WHO BUYS ORANGE JUICE WITH PULP?
Lois (going into boys bedroom with Hal) How can they do
this? How can they offer all this money then pretend it
never happened, oh, I am going to kill them! I swear, I'm
going to break their necks like chickens!
Hal: That is not going to pay off the debt, Lois. Unless you're
a beneficiary in some sort of life insurance policy. What
am I saying? Look, look-
Lois: Why don't we just return the refrigerator?
Hal: I can't, I bought it on sale.
Lois: Oh Hal, what are we going to do?
Hal: What choice do we have? For the next couple of weeks
until we get caught back up, we're just going to have to
work a ton of overtime.
Lois: Oh, really? And who's going to look after the kids?
Cut to Hal and Lois in the lounge with the grandparents.
Lois: So we thought the perfect thing might be, if you could
stay a little longer and keep an eye on the kids.
Grandpa Victor: I don't know. Your mother and I should go.
Grandma Ida: This has tension.
Lois: (pretending to laugh) No! Oh no-no-no-no, there's no
tension, we just uh - we have a couple of hectic weeks
coming up, and we just hope that you could stay a little
longer.
Grandpa Victor: Of course. We'll do anything for you. We are the family.
Hal: Oh, Dewey, hey, guess what? Grandma and Grandpa
are going to stay and watch you guys for the next couple
of weeks. (Dewey looks scared)
Cut to flashback clip. Dewey is a toddler, and he is riding across the driveway on his bike.
Grandpa Victor backs out of the driveway in the car, without checking where Dewey is. Dewey
quickly jumps off the bike and runs away, just in time for Grandpa Victor to run over the bike and
drive off down the road, dragging it underneath the car.
Cut back to Dewey, who runs off outside.
Cut to the Mardi Gras festivities in Alaska.
Drew: How you doing, Francis?
Francis: I need a doctor!
Drew: We've got you something better, man. We got you
BEADS! (the other guys laugh)
Eric: You won't believe it out there, Francis. There's beer,
and the women take their tops off when you give ‘em
beads!
Drew: Is it possible we crashed our car on the way down here
and died in winter heaven?
Francis: I welcome death right now!
Stanley: I can't believe this is you talking, Francis! You're our
leader! If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't even be here!
Francis: You're right. This is Mardi Gras! I can do this! (gets up)
Other guys: Yeah!
Francis: Give me those beads!
Other guys: Yeah! Come on, yeah! Francis! Francis! Francis!
Francis! (all go outside)
Cut to hotel room where the cadets are carrying Francis back to his bed after he has thrown up.
Drew: Thank god we got a hotel with a drain in the hallway!
Cut to the Wilkersons' house. Grandpa Victor and Reese arrive home with ice creams.
Grandpa Victor: We're back. (looks around) Still no parents. They go to
work all the time and leave their children!
Malcolm: Hey! I want an ice cream!
Reese: I don't blame you.
Malcolm: Why do they always do that? They take you for ice
cream and stuff, and never ask me!
Reese: I've thought about that. And I think they see you as a
protector of the blood line. If the future's half as bad as
Grandpa and I suspect, the only survivors are going to
be mutants, cockroaches, and me. All living underwater.
Let's face it. We're backing the winner. Oh man. I'm
stuffed. I shouldn't have had a second one (runs off)
Cut to street where Grandma Ida is crossing the road and Malcolm jogs after her. She stops and
leans over, coughing.
Malcolm: Are you ok, Grandma? Cause, I can carry your purse for
you. Or, maybe your Whisky.
Grandma Ida: I was flying on a boll guard with my bare hands. (stands
up)
Malcolm: Just asking. So, I studied about your country in school.
Grandma Ida: Always at the books! You won't know what happened
when you get eye cancer!
Malcolm: No, really! I found the vote law very interesting. And the
history, the war revolution. It must have been very hard
for you growing up.
Grandma Ida: It was. Very hard. (Offers Malcolm whisky bottle) Have a
snort.
Malcolm: Maybe later.
(Group of boys walk boy)
Boy #1: Hey, look at the mama's boy! (all laugh)
Grandma Ida: You gonna take that?
Malcolm: What?
Grandma Ida (turns Malcolm to face boys) Hey, you boys! Come back
here and say that!
Malcolm: Grandma, what are you doing? (boys approach them)
Boy #1: Who's this? You've got your own bodyguard?
Malcolm: No, no, it's ok. She's kidding! (boys turn and walk away)
Grandma Ida picks up a brick and throws it, hitting the boy in the head.
Boy #1: OW! (boys angrily head back towards Malcolm)
Malcolm: Grandma..... oh jeez!
Cut to the bathroom, where Lois is treating Malcolm's head wound.
Lois: I don't know why you won't tell me who did this. You
know, there's no honour in protecting a bully. Ok, it's
your face.
Malcolm: Mom, do you....do you, like your parents?
Lois: Doesn't matter how I feel about ‘em. It's not like I can
trade ‘em in for someone else. You can't pick your
parents. You're pretty much stuck with who you get.
Malcolm: I know.
Lois: Anyway, they're certainly not gonna change. If things
get difficult, at least we can be grateful that soon they'll
be gone.
Malcolm: Back to normal.
Lois: Yeah, that's what I meant.
Cut to Hal in the kitchen late at night, doing an experiment with ice cubes from the new fridge.
Hal: Oh. Never thought I'd beat you home.
Lois: Oh, they had to keep both registers open till midnight.
What kind of idiot needs a beach ball at eleven o'clock at
night? Make the kids' lunches?
Hal: Oh, right, no, not yet, I've been kinda tied up here, you
know, I discovered something kind of interesting. Now, it
appears the circular cubes cool quicker, but the crescent
ones longer.
Lois: Oh, for god's sake Hal, would you quit playing around?
That is a rectal thermometer!
Hal: I'm gonna go brush my teeth. (stands up)
Lois: You know, I ask you to do one simple thing. I can't do it
all myself, you know. (walks into boys' room and sits
down on bed. Hal joins her and closes the door)
Hal: Hey. Are you upset about something?
Lois: Look, I'm tired. I just got off a double shift, I want to go to
bed.
Hal: Sure. You just seemed a little snappish about the
cubes.
Lois: Because I'm tired of you not helping out around here!
Hal: All right Lois. I know we're both a little raw from the last
five days, but there's no reason to dump your
frustration with your parents onto me!
Lois: On you?
Hal: Oh yes, because that's what this is all about, you're
angry at them, and you're displacing your anger onto
me, I mean it is classic!
Lois: Oh, I'm displacing, am I? You're focussing all your
attention on that enstracity in the kitchen!
Hal: I knew it! You don't like the refrigerator!
Lois: I hate that refrigerator! I hate its tubular handles, I hate
the way it keeps the butter, I hate that when I'm trying
to sleep, I can hear it whirring!
Hal: Oh no, you can't!
Lois: Yes, yes I can!
Hal: No, not the Fifty-One Hundred! That motor housing is
four layers thick, Lois, four layers!
Lois: And it keeps things too cold!
Hal: That is unbounded criticism, Lois. Unbounded and
unfair, and until you apologise, I will be in the garage.
Grandma Ida (through wall) I told you there was tension.
Cut to backyard the next day, where Grandma Ida is sitting on a seat smoking. Malcolm comes
out with a book.
Malcolm: Grandma, have you ever wanted to know if you could -
(Grandma Ida hits him in the face) Ow, what was that
for?
Grandma Ida: See, you're not even trying to defend yourself. Why you
so weak?
Malcolm: I wasn't expecting for you to hit me!
Grandma Ida: That was a pounding one! When a kid's at your door in
the middle of the night! (hits Malcolm again)
Malcolm: Ow! Grandma, stop this!
Grandma Ida: Come on. Show me what you got, come on!
Malcolm: Grandma I'm not going to hit you. (TC) a kid should
never have to say that!
Grandma: So how you going to fight those people when they put
you in the truck and take you away, you going to read to
them? You going to impress them to death with your
giant know-it-all brain? (hits Malcolm again)
Malcolm: Look! I'm smart, ok? That's who I am! And if you don't
like the fact that I'm taking high school math, and
reading great books, well too bad! Because I'm going to
be successful, and maybe even rich! Because I AM
smart, ok? So just leave me alone! And I'm going to be
just fine! (walks into pole and injures eye)
Grandma Ida: HA! I warned you about the eyes!
Cut to Grandpa Victor and Reese entering Hal and Lois's bedroom.
Reese: What's this about?
Grandpa Victor: I want to show you something. Something just for you. I
have waited many years for this moment. But now that
you are old enough, I want to give you something close
to my heart. (we see a close up of his war equipment)
Reese: Wow! Is this stuff real?
Grandpa Victor: From the big war!
Reese: Wow! Is this a real gas mask?
Grandpa Victor: Gas mask, yes. Field glasses. Chocolate cake rations.
You get yourself nice girl with this, I tell you.
Reese: This is so awesome, Grandpa! You're the best! This is
so cool! (pulls pin from a grenade)
Grandpa Victor: GOD, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
Reese: What?
Grandpa Victor: THIS IS LIVE GRENADE! DO NOT LET GO OF
HANDLE, WE BOTH DIE!
Reese: I don't wanna die!
Grandpa Victor: Don't let go and you won't! We have to find the pin! Find
the pin, put the pin back in! And then everything would
be fine! (they run into the kitchen)
Malcolm: What's going on?
Reese: Grandpa gave me a live grenade! It's really cool, you
want to hold it?
Grandpa Victor: No, no, no, no, it's for you, not him.
Malcolm: Oh my god, we have to call the Police!
Grandpa: No, no Police. No Police! Please! There is no need to
panic.
Malcolm: Yes there is! You gave Reese a live grenade, and he's a
total idiot!
Reese: He's right, I am! I don't think I should have it any more!
Here!
Grandpa Victor: No, no, you hold onto that!
Reese: No, I'm tired of this game, one thing I really want to do is
go lie down now. (tries to let go and the grenade lands
on the table. Malcolm quickly throws it into the fridge
then they all run outside, to find Hal arriving home.
Grandpa Victor: Hello! (Grenade explodes inside)
Hal: What was that?
Grandpa: What was what? (Heads into street then runs away)
Cut to kitchen, where the grandparents and the boys are standing in front of Lois, who is furious.
Lois: WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
Grandpa Victor: We can't be sure.
Reese: Grandpa gave me a live grenade! And it was going to
blow up! And I didn't mean to drop it! But Malcolm
put it in the fridge!
Lois: You gave my son a live grenade? YOU BROUGHT LIVE
AMMUNITION INTO THIS HOUSE! WHAT IS THE
MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE? ARE YOU
COMPLETELY INSANE?
Grandma Ida: You don't ever talk to us like that, you hear me?
Lois: I just - I just - I -
Hal: All right, Lois, take the boys in the other room. Now! (to
Grandparents) Why don't we sit down (they sit down)
First off, I am not here to sort out the complicated
relationship you have with the woman I love. It's not my
place. And I know it would be folly to try and put a price
on the deep psychological trauma you have caused Lois
through the years. But let me take a stab at it anyway.
Three thousand dollars sound ok to you?
Grandpa Victor: What?
Hal: Well, that would pretty much cover the fridge and
collateral damage, maybe pay off a few credit cards, and
finally get the transmission fixed in my car.
Grandpa Victor: Because of what just happened? You want us to loan
you three thousand dollars?
Hal: Please. I know you're uncomfortable lending to family,
so let's be clear. (stands up and leans towards them)
with one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in
jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking
for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail.
Grandma: You're like your brother. Must live all over again.
Cut to hotel in New Orleans, where the cadets are preparing to leave.
Eric: Come on, Francis. We've gotta hit the road, or we're not
gonna make bed check.
Francis: I don't care. I came all the way to New Orleans, I've got
all these beads, I'm not leaving until I get some action!
(Cut to a lady in a blue dress)
Lady: Now if you don't mind, I need the room.
Francis: Ok, I'm going.